Free from all the shame?

Ya know, I haven't posted on this LJ in what feels like forever. However, I guess I got some things that I'd like to get off my chest. Not necessarily to seem like a drama queen, but because I keep thinking about them. You aren't obligated to read this, it's just something for me to put in my own perspective. I say not obligated, but I'd prefer you not to read this. Simply because whenever I want to say something in regards to myself, I always seem to alienate people in the process. 

Who I am, as opposed to who I want me to be.

Okay, so here's whats wrong with me. I'm a liar, a narcissist, a cheat, a con, self-centered, bitter, unemotional, reserved, and a dash of cold and calculating. I'm willing to fuck you ever. Seriously, I'm not kidding. If I can see it in any way benefitting or amusing me even in the slightest, chances are I'm willing to do it. Not because I have a personal vendetta against anyone, it's simply because I can. And for some reason, that's enough for me. I can feel bad for you, and even try to relate, but chances are that I can't relate to anything you would be going through. I'm willing to listen, but I get upset because I wouldn't know how to react to it. Which makes me a bit cold, in a way. I'm quicker to burn bridges, than to build new ones. That's fine, in some respect. Less people I know, less people I can fuck over, right? I'm kind of a monster, if you think about it. There's nothing I can relate to with other people, there's nothing I'm passionate about for myself, and there's no real sense of meaning in trying to respond in any sort of way. I'm just unable to do it on any real level. But by God, I can sure as hell try. Or at least act like it. It's in my nature, I guess.
I neither want to trust, nor be trusted. There's very few people I'm on the level with, and even then it's sometimes quite hard to do.  But why is that, I wonder? I don't get excited, I'm never impulsive, and I'm almost never sincere about anything pertaining to myself. I wonder just where the hell it all started to make me so vindictive and cold. I really can't answer that. Just about the only way I can even show a real semblance of humanity, is when analyzing my own attitude and actions, and even that can be quite off the mark sometimes. Okay, fine. I realize I'm not all there. Not quite right. But I refuse to accept help. I was on anti-depressants for awhile. It was nice, refreshing, and I could do more than just PRETEND to be happy and amiable. But I often worried whether that was really me being happy, or the drugs telling me I was. I wish I were on a downward spiral, but I'm not getting any worse, but I'm not making any improvement either. Have I finally brainwashed myself into thinking that there's no point to it, if I'm only going to die, in the end? It's hard telling, to be sure.

Do I just want to die? No, I don't quite think so. I've been lower before and kept on going. But the lack of change can really be maddening. I mean, they say that still waters run deep. But damn do they stagnate as well. I'm not going insane, I don't think. Because that'd probably seem a bit closer to freedom. I'd like that, because these chains don't seem to be letting up on their grip. Which is fine, I don't mind it too much yet. I just fear I'm becoming something I never really wanted to be, and that's probably what scares me the most asides from being alone. Not the "Oh, I don't have a relationship" alone, but the "I've finally burned all the bridges in my life, and I'm all I have left" kind of alone. Hell, I don't expect nor want a relationship anymore. I realize, I'm different in a lot of respects from most people. I'm not passionate, I can't respond to how a person is, and most of the time, I can't even respond to how I am. I want to feel it again, though. That nice refreshing feeling of being alive and breathing. I want to be honest, open, and not afraid to be hurt, because I can accept who I am, not because I have to be who I am, but that I had chosen, and made myself into what I want to be.

A lot of people can be fine with who they are, and that's something I respect. But what can you be fine with, when your only measure of anything is personal growth, and you've been frozen in your mindset for a long time? It's really quite an issue, with me. I don't need to look into the mirror to know that I won't be pleased with what I am. But that's what I'm trying to get beyond. I don't want to be comic relief that doesn't mind crossing boundaries for a laugh. I want to be someone who can be relied on for more than just entertainment, and I don't know how to do that. Hell, it even seems like my best friend avoids me at times, and that doesn't make me mad. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong, knowing full well what it could be. I want to be more than just a comedian, I want to be someone that can be talked to about serious things, and have an opinion that can be respected and reflected upon. I don't want nor demand respect, I just want a sense of actually being here. Being alive. Breathing. Interacting. Growing. Aging. Those kinds of things. Hell, you won't even find any pictures of me with my friends, because there aren't any. I think that symbolizes something. I'm here, but only to myself. I'm bound to be forgotten, and left to rot alone in my own self-reflection. Wondering what I didn't do, what I couldn't do, what I haven't done, until the day I die. 

But what can I do to grow? I can't seem to find an answer for that one. I just want to be real, even if for a short period of time. And hopefully before I do end up going mad from being isolated for so long. Will I simply live my life not truly living it? That's what I want to know. I don't want to die, having not even lived.


(no subject)

It's time for me to cut ties with the internet and move on. Pretty much the only reason I got on was so I could keep in contact with certain people. But hey, it comes to an end like everything else. Oh, anyone know any good local therapists? Take care!


What I've been up to.

Went to fair friday, bought a Bleach wallet, Moi dix Mois- Beyond the Gate, and Gackt- Crescent. Probably had a few consecutive heat strokes. And all weekend consisted of Tekken: Dark Resurrection. And now I'm indefinitely laid-off. Meaning: I draw unemployment and sleep all day. Fun fun fun! Oh, and right now I'm learning morals from Great Teacher Onizuka: Live action.
  • Current Music
    Moi dix Mois- Unmoved

(no subject)

I have a cousin I haven't seen in about 7 years. Today, I went to Warsaw. When I got there, I saw him again. We used to be best friends, and eventually, we just drifted away. He's a talented musician, and he was one of the finalist's on this years nashville star. He's also an artist and a writer, like myself.

And the moral of the story? Old friends who happen to be your cousin gives you free tattoos. I got one tonight, and he did a great job. I'm very greatful to him for it.

Oh, its the brand of "Berserk" on the base right of my neck. FYI.
  • Current Music
    Kajiura- To Nowhere

This is my resolve.

The only thing consistent in life is that you're in it. Let me show you my resolve... because, I'm all I need. I'm not going to be anyone's tool anymore. I'm not looking for replacements, because why replace what isn't necessary? My friendships died quite awhile ago, and I've been living a lie for quite some time. Do I regret it? No. Do I want to regret it? Maybe a little. But I don't. Dem's da breaks, kid.

This barbed wire crown of mine~

So, this week has been relatively uneventful. But my July vacation started today, which rocks my socks off. But, regardless, I've kept myself relatively entertained. Tomorrow, I'm gonna pick up some PS1 games and such. But not really anything else. I want to start a rock band. I'll call it the Burning Eskimos.


Ya know, there's only a one letter difference between loner and loser. But there's also only a one letter difference between loner and boner. How's that for weird? Whatever. Sleep deprivation has caused me to go slightly... meh, maybe mildly... insane? Heheh. Well, the reason for me saying the loner/loser thing kinda has a point. I am probably both. Yes, I've come out and said it. The only person I even try to keep up with is my friend Branden. I try to be here for other people, but in my own awkward way, I fall short. Oh well. Yeah yeah, probably sounds like a pseudo-emo rant, doesn't it? This is where I go, boohoo, and talk about my own faults and blame the world, and then threaten to write a will with the pool of blood from the wrists I'd be so inclined to slit open. Well, if that's what you think, then no dice. You should probably go to a different journal for that fun stuff. I, in all of my weird, creepy glory, really don't care for the dramatic or the desperation involved in everyday circumstance. I'm here to talk to you about the effect drugs have on the children of today. Wait, no, still not right. Let's try that last part again. I guess I wanna talk about inter-personal reactions, or rather, the instances where people interact in social and personal settings. You get all kinds of people. The no-good scum who like to be loud and talk about how much better they are, but can never prove it, the silent user; so quiet and unsuspecting but always willing to take the help offered, but never willing to return it, the manipulative and narcissistic drama queen; whose only goal is to make themselves the center of attention by causing conflicts by nudging brooding unspoken emotions between others, and there are so many more. But you know, not all of them are bad. Just some. Okay, maybe a few. Nah, most people are like that, in some way. This is where you'd think I'd go off and say something like "But not I, the chivalrous and charismatic knight of justice and romance!" but nah, that's not the case. Me? I'm an outsider, most times. I stand by, and watch idly as those I care about, and those I don't care about, just drift away into darkness or distance. I'm probably not the worst of the trash, but I feel like it sometimes. I'm not saying it's hard, it's just who I am. And I'm probably seeming kind of dramatic right now, but I'm not trying to be. Take this at face value, it's me just venting a little bit, with typed words that hold no water. A nice little forlorn melody that'll fall on deaf ears. But no matter, I'm going to rant, and I'm going to be done with it. Which is kind of new for me. I like bottling things up, myself. Might be I'm too sensitive. Although, I guess a lot would seem as though I don't care. I come off as a bit abrasive and emotionless at times. Hey, I can't react well to emotions or social circumstances well, and when I do, I'd like to be well-informed on what I'm going on about. But I'm still not well informed, but some things recently came to my attention, and I want to try to convey them to the best of my written ability. So, if you've read this far, I admire your tenacity.

These are in no particular order of relevance to me, but I'm going to address them to the best of my ability. I'm not trying to offend or stir any ill-will by any of this, but I'm going to type it all the same. First order of business would be... a punk ginger kid named Cook. A guy who uses the "poor me" act like a fuckin' art. Do tears lose their meaning if you use them too much? I think so. This kid cries over everything, but will do anything to wrong you, or make himself feel better. He'll use you regardless, and treat you like dirt the entire time. I hope he drowns in those fake, pointless tears of his. Then there's CJ, who is only there when he needs entertainment. Not very reliable, eh? But some people argue that "friends are just people to keep you entertained". Which I completely, and utterly, disagree with. Friends are people who support you, accentuate you, complete you, fill the flaws in your own character, and stand by you regardless of what goes on. Maybe I'm old fashioned, or just a fool? Whatever the case may be. Don't get me wrong, I have a few friends. Real friends. Good friends. Nezzy. He just got out of a relationship, and now his views are all fucked up. He was so emotionally attached to his ex that it kind of broke something in that thick, curly-haired head of his. He now sees women as nothing more than something to have sex with, use, and be done with. I don't want to sound like some fuckin' hero of chivalry, but I think that those kind of thoughts are what make relationships so nigh-meaningless nowadays. "Before you can love someone, you have to like them first." What is sex, if it lacks passion? What is love, if it's just become a word to get someone in bed? Makes me have no regrets for being single. Or a loner. Or is it a loser? Maybe I am a loser, for being too late to realize ignorance is bliss. Am I the fool for trying to become more intelligent? Because ignorance is truly bliss for those who have it, while a hell for those who try to go above it. Now I probably sound like I have a superiority complex... Well, damn that, too. I'm beyond people's opinions of me, and that's what'll keep me as myself. But, even so, I'm powerless to do anything, or even try anything. It seems Andrew's been giving Mina some trouble lately, but I had hoped he'd be grown-up enough to accept the truth, and let her go on peacefully. He's become trash, just a man who keeps himself on anti-depressants because he thinks he can't cope with the world on his own. Hell, even I was on anti-depressants for awhile. But ya know, I'd rather not smile than wear some fake smile and hide behind some damnable fake remedy. I'll say this here, and I'll say it to Mina when I see her. You can do better. You can do so much fucking better, and you should. Not some dirtbag who uses people and blames it all on the person who was his fiancee,you should go find yourself some super awesome person who hunts crocodiles or something. Not a half-hearted loser who belittles you and uses you as a fucking scapegoat. Not only that, but the piece of shit made out with another chick at the fucking halloween party last year. I tried to say it was just him being drunk, and I didn't want to hurt her by saying it, but he's just a perverted piece of no-life trash who has no reason to ever deserve someone else. Ahoo. Anyways. I think I've gotten a bit too worked up. But there's still some things I'd like to say, get off of my chest before I lose the resolve to write them down. On a public-access place like this, no less.

I'm stoic, I seem uncaring, and really, a lot of times things aren't even important enough for me to care about. But the things that do, are the things that get to me, make me want to react, and make me want to stop just watching the world around me. I do care about the few people I call friends, and I'll be there for them when they ask me too, and even when they don't. Branden, MS, BLT, Hota-dono, Kakashi-hime, Jelly, J-Man, Kiddo and Mike, are probably about the only people that I give a damn about. So what? All other ties will be cut with the people I associate with, even if it takes a bit of willpower to get me there. My little rant here, as long and drawn out as it may be, is testament to that. I'm going to show my initiative, and it's just a little bit vulgar in how ambitious it really is. If I offended someone important to me with this, assuming anyone ACTUALLY reads it, then I'm sorry. For anyone else... I dun give a damn, all right?

King of Decadence, Author of No-Life Tragedy (A Chombie Novel)
  • Current Music
    Dir en Grey- Cage


Soul-seeking? Nifty little phrase, isn't it? I think I'd be much more inclined to do my seeking with a 40 oz. and some clove cigarettes. But oh well. I like setting goals. Goals are kind of nifty. I've grown out of the whole dark, tormented poet type of attitude. I'm pretty much just a gamer geek who likes to chill out and listen to some Dir en Grey. But I try to set goals to keep myself from being lethargic and depressed. Most of my goals right now are kind of superficial. I want an image that suits me a little bit better. I'd say kind of like an edgy street shark. These are the kind of things I'm planning on taking up.

+ Normal glasses, black frame.
+ colored contacts
+ several ear piercings
+ blonde spiky-ish hair
+ tattoo on the side of my neck
+ business suits (blacks and whites preferably)
+ more bling
+ hip flask
+ chain watch
+ slightly tan
+ bracelets
+ rings

And thats pretty much it for the kind of look I wanna go for. I figure, the best way to get in a mind set for being successful is to look the part. But, my mind wavers, and I am manic depressant. But, I'll do things by my own strength and pace, and be the person I want to become.
  • Current Music
    Dir en Grey- Cage